Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
