Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
