who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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