I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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