i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
