You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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