It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
