From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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