dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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