Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
