the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
