This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
