The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
