Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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