fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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