Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
