I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
