I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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