My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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