I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize