Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
