Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
