I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
