I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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