Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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