Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
