I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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