Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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