Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
