dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
