im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
