Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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