He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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