:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
