Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I cockslap morals
no, he came in my armpit
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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