Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize