all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
