i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
