College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
