When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
