Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
