i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
