I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
