Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
