I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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