This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
