Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize