he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There's always time for handjobs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
