my phone needs a breathalizer
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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