Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
