Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
