I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
