wrigley field is MILF paradise
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
its liver damage thursday
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize