I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
