Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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