I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
