i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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