i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
