If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize