You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm having to shit out rocks
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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