my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize