You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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